Mystik Spiral's Lonely Lawndale Band
by jak981125
Summary: Enjoy the concert of the season as Mystik Spiral takes on Sgt. Pepper in a 911 benefit. A splendid time is guaranteed for all!


MYSTIK SPIRAL'S LONELY LAWNDALE BAND by jak981125  
  
Hey you, wanna see the html version? It's much cooler, I assure you. Go to http://www.outpost- daria.com/fanfic/mystik_spirals_lonely_lawndale_band.html  
  
The setting: The Zon Club, Lawndale  
  
Slightly after sunset, October 20, 2001  
  
        A large crowd of young people are walking into the club. Among them are a few familiar faces from Lawndale High School. A marquee nearby reads "Mystik Spiral's Lonely Lawndale Band: A benefit concert for victims of 9- 11."  
  
        The club is jam-packed with people. A small orchestra is taking up a lot of room up front. A makeshift stage that is slightly higher than the Zon stage has been constructed up front. The doors close and the lights dim. A spotlight shines on the stage and a familiar figure steps out but she's not looking so familiar. It's Daria, but she is wearing contact lenses, a little bit of make up, a suit jacket, shirt, and tie all belonging to her father, blue jeans, and her usual boots (the pant legs are over the outside of the boots cause otherwise that would look really funky but then again what do I know about fashion...hmm, wasn't I telling a story here? Oh yeah...).  
  
  
  
        Daria: Hello and welcome everyone. I am your mistress of ceremonies tonight, Daria Morgendorffer. When the boys first asked me if I would be willing to MC tonight's show I wondered if they had inhaled too much carbon monoxide from that van of theirs. I don't have the right personality for a bingo caller much less the MC at a charitable event. But what the heck, it's for a good cause. I just hope I'll be that optimistic when I'm done making a total fool out of myself.  
  
        Now a word or two about tonight's show. What you are about to see is a parody concert done as a loving tribute to the classic Beatles album, Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band. It was and is an artistic masterpiece considered to be quite possibly the greatest rock experience of all time. It is a true work of artistic beauty. What you are about to see is not. We admit that. Tonight's performance is no masterpiece, but we're just here to have a little fun and raise money for a good cause.  
  
        The concept of Sgt. Pepper was a fantasy concert performed before great figures in history. There are no historical figures here tonight, perhaps a few future pro wrestlers, but that's all. However, you get more than a concert tonight. There will be performances between songs. Not only that but the band decided to add parodies of three songs that were made during the Sgt. Pepper sessions but were used elsewhere and never made it to the album. Halfway through, we will have a tribute to the artist who helped us out so very much in preparing for tonight. Oddly enough, it wasn't Jane.  
  
        Jane (from backstage): I have no brother!  
  
        Daria: So it seems we're ready to go. (curtains close behind her) Sit back and enjoy. A splendid time is guaranteed for all. No refunds.  
  
        The orchestra tunes up. Then the curtains slowly open to reveal the members of Mystik Spiral wearing re-created Sgt. Pepper uniforms. They are also wearing fake mustaches and Trent (dressed as John Lennon) is wearing glasses (the lenses of which have been removed for the time being). The music begins, and baby, it's LOUD!  
  
SONG--Mystik Spiral's Lonely Lawndale Band  
  
sung to the tune of "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band"  
  
Jesse (singing):  
  
It was a couple weeks ago today  
  
That our band was nearly DOA  
  
And so it seemed we had to change our style  
  
Or we'd have to go into exile  
  
So let me introduce to you  
  
The band that brain-dead people fear  
  
Mystik Spiral's Lonely Lawndale Band!  
  
Entire Band (singing):  
  
We're Mystik Spiral's Lonely Lawndale Band  
  
We hope you will enjoy the show  
  
Mystik Spiral's Lonely Lawndale Band  
  
We locked the doors so none of you can go  
  
Mystik Spiral's Lonely  
  
Mystik Spiral's Lonely  
  
Mystik Spiral's Lonely Lawndale Band!  
  
We're lucky just to be here  
  
It's really such as blast  
  
Please open up your homes to us  
  
We've had enough of homelessness  
  
Our van makes a bad home  
  
Jesse (singing):  
  
I don't really want to stop the show  
  
But I figured that you'd want to know  
  
That our drummer wants to sing a song  
  
But we promise you he won't be long  
  
So let me introduce to you  
  
The one and only Max Tyler  
  
And Mystik Spiral's Lonely Lawndale Band!  
  
Entire Band (singing):  
  
Maaaaaaaax Tyyyyyyyyylllleeeeerrr!  
  
  
  
SONG--A Little Help From My Friends  
  
sung to the tune of "With A Little Help From My Friends"  
  
Max (singing):  
  
What would you do if I ran out of cash  
  
Would you skip town and bail out on me  
  
Lend me your cash and I'll pay you back soon  
  
But the best things in life come for free  
  
Entire Band (singing):  
  
Oh, pierce my nose with a little help from my friends  
  
Mmm, gonna doze with a little help from my friends  
  
Mmm, nearly froze with a little help from my friends  
  
Max (singing):  
  
What do I do when I crash my dad's truck  
  
Trent, Nick and Jesse (singing):  
  
We'll just blame it on the kids across the street  
  
Max (singing):  
  
What do I do when I'm down on my luck  
  
Trent, Nick and Jesse (singing):  
  
Just get off your butt and don't admit defeat  
  
Entire Band (singing):  
  
Oh, pierce my nose with a little help from my friends  
  
Mmm, gonna doze with a little help from my friends  
  
Mmm, nearly froze with a little help from my friends  
  
Trent, Nick and Jesse (singing):  
  
Is your dad kicking you out  
  
Max (singing):  
  
Yes, this time he'll do it for sure  
  
Trent, Nick and Jesse (singing):  
  
Why's your dad kicking you out?  
  
Max (singing):  
  
I guess that darn truck wasn't insured  
  
Trent, Nick and Jesse (singing):  
  
Is your dad's bark that much worse than his bite  
  
Max (singing):  
  
Never bit me cause he ain't got any teeth  
  
Trent, Nick and Jesse (singing):  
  
What do you think you'll be doing tonight?  
  
Max (singing):  
  
Hoping vagrants don't attract police  
  
Entire Band (singing):  
  
Oh, pierce my nose with a little help from my friends  
  
Mmm, gonna doze with a little help from my friends  
  
Mmm, nearly froze with a little help from my friends  
  
Trent, Nick and Jesse (singing):  
  
Is your dad kicking you out  
  
Max (singing):  
  
Yes, this time he'll do it for sure  
  
Trent, Nick and Jesse (singing):  
  
Why's your dad kicking you out?  
  
Max (singing):  
  
I guess that darn truck wasn't insured  
  
Entire Band (singing):  
  
Oh, pierce my nose with a little help from my friends  
  
Mmm, gonna doze with a little help from my friends  
  
Mmm, nearly froze with a little help from my friends  
  
Max (singing):  
  
I pierced my nose with a little help from my friends  
  
With a little help from my friiiiieeeennnddsss!  
  
  
  
        The crowd applauds. Daria steps up to the mike.  
  
        Daria: OK, and now for your entertainment, my best friend Jane. I don't know exactly what she's going to do but please keep in mind there's an automated defibrillator in the back. Jane Lane, folks.  
  
        Jane: Thank you, thank you. Oh, you're all too kind. Oh stop, you're embarrassing me.  
  
        She says this sarcastically as no one in the crowd has applauded except Jodie, Mack, and Brittany.  
  
        Jane: What we need here is an intelligent and creative volunteer from the audience so we can...  
  
        Only one person seems interested.  
  
        Kevin (screaming): Me! Me! Pick me! Please Jane!  
  
        He climbs up on stage as the jocks cheer him on.  
  
        Jane: What we have here is a failure to communicate. OK young man, what's your name?  
  
        Kevin: Jane, you already know who I am.  
  
        Jane: I mean for the sake of any audience members who don't know who you are, as impossible as that may seem.  
  
        Kevin: Oh, OK. Hey, I'm Kevin Thompson. I'm the QB!  
  
        More moronic cheers from the jocks.  
  
        Jane: OK Kevin. You and me are going to have a little chalk talk.  
  
        Kevin: Boring. I don't need to know anything about chalk except that it can write stuff and that if you shove it far enough up you nose your head gets all tingly.  
  
        Jane: My gosh, how do the teachers do it? Kevin, a chalk talk means you're going to describe something or someone to me and I'll do my best to draw what you tell me to.  
  
        Kevin: Um, OK. Draw one line right here...  
  
        Jane: Um, Kevin, that's generally not how it works. You describe what it LOOKS like I try to...  
  
        Kevin (interrupts): Well if you're going to be all bossy about it...  
  
        Jane: OK, OK. fine. I'm not getting paid for this anyway.  
  
        Kevin: OK, now draw another line there, one there, a curvy one there...there...there...there...there...no not there, wait, I guess it looks all right there. There...there...there...there...and right there. OK, you're done.  
  
        Jane (snickers as she realizes what she has just drawn): Oh my gosh! Kevin, I hope you won't be offended if I stand several feet to your left as I reveal this. Ladies and gentlemen, Kevin's picture.  
  
        What she reveals is a hideously drawn picture of Brittany.  
  
        Kevin: Surprise! It's you babe!  
  
        Brittany runs up on stage and starts beating on him.  
  
        Jane: Whoa! Security!  
  
        Trent (to his pals): Security? Dang it, I knew we forgot something.  
  
        Jane: Trent, please say you're kidding.  
  
        Jesse: Maybe we still have time to hire Hell's Angels.  
  
        Jocks: Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!  
  
        Jane: OK, Brittany, chill. I know a good therapist you two can talk to. (to the audience) I'll be right back with my final thought.  
  
        She escorts them off the stage.  
  
        Daria: OK, if the rest of the evening goes that well be should reach the Apocalypse sometime before the second set. And now ladies and gentlemen, Mystik Spiral.  
  
SONG--Lucy In The Ground With Fossils  
  
sung to the tune of "Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds"  
  
Trent (singing):  
  
Picture yourself on a dig in East Africa  
  
A thousand degrees, and that's in the shade  
  
Suddenly yell out, they come running quickly  
  
You dug up some human remains  
  
60% of the body is missing  
  
Still can't find most of her head  
  
Look at the girl who was only pint sized  
  
Then you're gone  
  
Jesse (singing):  
  
Lucy in the ground with fossils,  
  
Trent and Jesse (singing):  
  
Lucy in the ground with fossils,  
  
Lucy in the ground with fossils, Aaahhh!  
  
Trent (singing):  
  
Follow your fame as your find gets attention  
  
Discrediting those who say "Darwin lies!"  
  
The skeleton measure a bit less than four feet  
  
I guess this chick wasn't too high  
  
Newspaper writers appear on your porch  
  
Waiting to hear what you'll say  
  
Sneak out the back 'cause you can't stand the crowds  
  
Then you're gone  
  
Trent and Jesse (singing):  
  
Lucy in the ground with fossils,  
  
Lucy in the ground with fossils,  
  
Lucy in the ground with fossils, Aaahhh!  
  
Trent (singing):  
  
Watch as your find is placed in a museum  
  
You wondering what she was like when alive  
  
Suddenly wonder what they'll say about you  
  
A million years after your life  
  
Trent and Jesse (singing):  
  
Lucy in the ground with fossils,  
  
Lucy in the ground with fossils,  
  
Lucy in the ground with fossils, Aaahhh!  
  
Lucy in the ground with fossils,  
  
Lucy in the ground with fossils,  
  
Lucy in the ground with fossils, Aaahhh!  
  
  
  
        The crowd applauds. Daria steps up to the mike.  
  
        Daria: At this point the cheerleaders wanted to do a cheer but they've all mysteriously disappeared.  
  
        Muffled cries for help are heard from the janitor's closet. Jane whistles innocently.  
  
        Daria: Instead we have an act that has been banned in 35 states as well as Puerto Rico. Turns out that our own Mr. DeMartino has a hidden talent.  
  
        Kevin: Can he burp the alphabet?  
  
        Daria: No. He sings Alice Cooper covers dressed in drag.  
  
        DeMartino (from offstage): DARIA!  
  
        Kevin: Really? Cool!  
  
        Daria: Just kidding. He throws knives at a target.  
  
        Kevin (disappointed): Oh. Hey wait, that's still cool, isn't it?  
  
        DeMartino comes out on stage wearing an 1890s circus outfit. He is applauded.  
  
        DeMartino: Thank you. I need a VOLUNTEER from the audience. Some one brave enough to...  
  
        Kevin (screams out and interrupts): Mr. D! Right here! Pick me Mr. D!  
  
        DeMartino gets a Grinch-like smile on his face.  
  
        DeMartino: We have a volunteer!  
  
        More dumb applause erupts from the jocks as Kevin takes the stage.  
  
        DeMartino: OK Kevin, your only job is to STAND RIGHT HERE and whatever you do, do NOT move one inch.  
  
        Kevin: Cool. Hey wait a minute, how much help can I be if I can't move and you're standing over there?  
  
        DeMartino: Kevin, I think the concept has eluded you, but what else is new? I'm going to toss THESE KNIVES right in your direction.  
  
        Kevin: Um, Mr. D, isn't that kind of dangerous?  
  
        DeMartino: Don't WORRY Kevin, I'll be perfectly safe.  
  
        Kevin: No what I meant was...  
  
        DeMartino: Kevin, no talking. And please sign this liability waiver.  
  
        Kevin: Um, sure Mr. D.  
  
        He signs it and takes his position. "Mr. D" tosses several knives at him which come WAY too close for comfort. For his finale he throws an ax right between Kevin's legs. The audience breaks out in wild applause.  
  
        Kevin (still shaking): Wow Mr. D, that was...uh...really amazing!  
  
        DeMartino (angry): What's so AMAZING about it? I missed my target EVERY SINGLE TIME!  
  
        Daria: If we have more time later on maybe you could shoot him out of a cannon or something.  
  
        Kevin: Really? Cool!  
  
        Daria sighs and rolls her eyes.  
  
        Daria: Here they are again, Mystik Spiral!  
  
SONG--Better Every Day  
  
sung to the tune of "Getting Better"  
  
Jesse (singing):  
  
We're getting better everyday  
  
We used to get mad at the fans  
  
They were all throwing bottles and cans  
  
We got real annoyed  
  
The stage got destroyed  
  
But now they all think I'm the man!  
  
I've got to admit we're getting better  
  
A little better every day  
  
I have to admit we're getting better  
  
Been getting better since we learned to play  
  
Me used to get tossed off the stage  
  
Me rubbing me head in a daze  
  
I used to get mad  
  
But I now feel glad  
  
We're playing the best that we can  
  
I've got to admit we're getting better  
  
A little better every day  
  
I have to admit we're getting better  
  
Been getting better since we learned to play  
  
Getting so much better every day  
  
We're getting better every day  
  
Better, better, better  
  
We're getting better every day  
  
Better, better, better  
  
They used to be cruel to the Spiral  
  
They banned us and kept us apart from the gigs that we love  
  
Man we were peeved but right now we're relieved  
  
'Cause our true fans just can't get enough  
  
I admit we're getting better  
  
A little better every day  
  
I have to admit we're getting better  
  
Been getting better since we learned to play  
  
Getting so much better everyday  
  
We're getting better every day  
  
Better, better, better  
  
We're getting better every day  
  
Better, better, better  
  
Getting so much better everyday  
  
  
  
        Daria: Thank you Jesse. Well at this point Mr. O'Neill had wanted to perform Bob Dylan's "Blowing In The Wind" but his guitar was mysteriously destroyed.  
  
        Once again Jane whistles innocently as we see O'Neill sobbing in the corner.  
  
        Daria: So instead we have Andrea adding her unique brand of poetry to the mix. I must warn you, if it's anything like her last performance then you and your rotting bag of flesh may be offended. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Andrea.  
  
        Andrea: I call this work...HEY STOP THAT!  
  
        Brittany: Very powerful title.  
  
        Actually Andrea was yelling at a couple jocks who were intimidating a girl in the crowd who looks Muslim. She climbs off the stage to defend her. One jock steps up and tries to take her on.  
  
        Jane (grabs the mike): Hey, a fight beats a poetry reading any day! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!  
  
        The audience gets into it as Andrea beats the living daylights out of the jock. After she knocks him out she advances on his pal who screams and runs...right into the wall and knocks himself out cold.  
  
        Daria: Two fights and we're only halfway through the first set. Don't say we didn't give you your money's worth. Now here's the band.  
  
SONG--Fixing A Flat  
  
sung to the tune of "Fixing A Hole"  
  
Jesse (singing):  
  
I'm fixing a flat that's disabled The Tank  
  
And kept this band from wandering  
  
Now we can't go  
  
But I can't fill the cracks in the roof of the van  
  
And so we're soaked each time it rains  
  
Yet we still go  
  
And it really doesn't matter when I rock  
  
I roll  
  
Around Lawndale I roll  
  
Around Lawndale  
  
See some people wasting space  
  
Who never think, and never care  
  
They'll never know just what their brains are for  
  
The jack has slipped off and the van has crashed down  
  
And so we're stranded in the rain  
  
Still we can't go  
  
And it really doesn't matter when I rock  
  
I roll  
  
Around Lawndale I roll  
  
Around Lawndale  
  
Me, my friends, we never work  
  
Ain't got no cash and still we rock on  
  
Know someday we'll make a hit  
  
So here I am getting drenched and upset  
  
And cursing at the tire iron  
  
Yet I'd still go  
  
I'm fixing a flat that's disabled The Tank  
  
And kept this band from wandering  
  
Still we can't go  
  
Still we can't go  
  
I'm fixing a flat that's disabled The Tank  
  
And now I feel it start to snow  
  
Still we can't go  
  
  
  
             Daria: Having taken several rides in that van myself I can tell you all that he ain't just whistling Dixie.  
  
        Kevin: Hey babe, I didn't hear anyone whistling.  
  
        Brittany: Maybe it was one of those whistles only dogs can hear.  
  
        Jane (to Daria): Impossible. Kevin would have heard that for sure.  
  
        Daria: OK, let's see who's up next. Oh no. No.  
  
        Her clipboard reads FASHION CLUB FASHION SHOW  
  
        Daria (to Jane): No one said anything about the Fashion Nazis being here tonight! Did you know about this?  
  
        Jane: Er, yeah, I kind of knew. But I didn't tell you because I figured you'd back out.  
  
        Daria: Darn right I would have. Did you at least take the time to sabotage their act?  
  
        Jane: Oops.  
  
        Daria: Oops? What do you mean Oops?  
  
        Jane: Um, Daria?  
  
        Daria: Do you realize what this means?  
  
        Jane: Daria?  
  
        Daria: It means...  
  
        Jane (interrupts): Daria!  
  
        Daria: What?  
  
        Jane points to the audience who is still waiting for the announcement.  
  
        Daria: Due to circumstances beyond my control, here's the Fashion Club.  
  
        The Fashion Club comes out to show off a new line of patriotic apparel. In the meantime, backstage...  
  
        Daria: What do you mean you invited them? What where you thinking?  
  
        Jesse: It's a long story.  
  
        Daria: I'm listening.  
  
        Trent: No time. Sounds like that fashion show is over with. We'd better head back out.  
  
        Daria: Fine. But before the night is over I want a rational explanation as to what could have possibly possessed you to invite them.  
  
        Trent: There is no rational explanation but we will try to explain this better.  
  
        Daria heads back out on stage.  
  
        Daria: OK folks, here's a parody of "Only A Northern Song", a George Harrison song which got cut from Sgt. Pepper and didn't re-surface until Yellow Submarine came out. Take it away Nick.  
  
SONG--Only A Messed-Up Song  
  
sung to the tune of "Only A Northern Song"  
  
Nick (singing):  
  
If you're listening to this song  
  
You may think the writer hit the bong  
  
But you're wrong  
  
I'm just naturally odd  
  
If you hear these parodies  
  
You may think the writer's mind's diseased  
  
But it's not  
  
OK, maybe it is  
  
It doesn't really matter if I rant and rave  
  
Live in a cave  
  
Or talk to sock puppets  
  
As it's only a messed-up song  
  
It doesn't really matter if I sleep till noon  
  
Or watch cartoons  
  
Or rant at MTV  
  
When it's only a messed-up song  
  
If the man I'm speaking of  
  
Sounds like he just needs a little love  
  
You're correct  
  
You know we all do  
  
And I told that we all do  
  
  
  
        Daria: Thank you Nick. I'm sure George would be...proud? Uh, by the way I hear George's health isn't so good so let's keep him in our thoughts and prayers. OK moving right along now, next up is...oh gosh...well this should be interesting...the comedy of Kevin Thompson.  
  
        Jane: In case you don't think his routine is funny you should read his history paper.  
  
        Daria: Yeah. Before reading it I never knew that Napoleon was actually a flavor of ice cream.  
  
        Kevin: Thank you. Well I just flew here all the way from home...  
  
        Jane (interrupts): And boy are my jokes tired.  
  
        She gets a few chuckles out of the audience.  
  
        Kevin: Hey! This is my show!  
  
        Jane: Sorry. Do go on.  
  
        Kevin: Anyway this guy was riding along with a truck load full of penguins when a cop pulls him over and orders him to take them to the zoo. The next day he sees the guy again and this time the penguins are wearing sunglasses. So he pulls him over again. He tells the driver "I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo." The driver replies "I did. We had so much fun that today we decided to go to the beach."  
  
        Only the jocks and Brittany laugh at that.  
  
        Stacy (imitating Kevin): Take my brain, please!  
  
  
  
        Tiffany (very slowly): Check it out, Stacy made a funny.  
  
        Kevin: So this guy takes a clock to a German watchmaker and tells him that the clock only ticks. The watchmaker tells the clock (in a thick German accent) "We have ways of making you tock!"  
  
        Once again only the jocks and Brittany laugh.  
  
        Daria: That's it! Where's the hook?  
  
        Max: The hook! I knew I'd forgotten something else.  
  
        Jane: Yeah. Like your hair.  
  
        Kevin: And now my impression of Tom Cruise.  
  
        He turns around for a second and turns back around after having made absolutely no change.  
  
        Kevin (in his normal tone, normal voice): Hi, I'm Tom Cruise!  
  
        The jocks are rolling on the floor over that one but one kid in back checks to see if the doors are indeed locked and they are. Daria intervenes.  
  
        Daria: Thank you very much Kevin. Let's give him a hand folks.  
  
        Kevin: But I'm not done yet!  
  
        Daria pushes him off the stage.  
  
        Daria: You are now. Believe it or not, me and Jane actually wrote this next song. The whole thing is entirely fictional but nevertheless could and probably will at some time occur and we figured we'd just prepare everyone ahead of time. Without any further hype, here's Mystik Spiral.  
  
SONG--She's Leaving Town  
  
sung to the tune of "She's Leaving Home"  
  
Jesse (singing):  
  
Late one afternoon, clock strikes three  
  
As the school day ends  
  
Nobody realizes something's wrong  
  
No one in school knows that Ms. Li is gone  
  
DeMartino bursts in to resign  
  
from teaching history class  
  
Finds that her office and safe are empty  
  
He searches the school but no sign of Ms. Li  
  
She (that hag took most of our cash)  
  
Is leaving (made off with most of our cash)  
  
Town (we had that cash saved to build a new roof)  
  
She's leaving town after making us frown  
  
For the last five years (bye, bye)  
  
Panic spreads as they realize just how  
  
Much cash that she took  
  
Not one red cent did she leave for repairs  
  
No funds for textbooks, or roofing, or chairs  
  
O' Neil is sobbing so hard that  
  
They have to tranquilize him  
  
Can't teach his class about Dickens or Poe  
  
Not one darn word of Shakespeare will they know  
  
She (I guess that we should have guessed)  
  
is leaving (I can't believe we didn't guess)  
  
town (never give cash to some one you can't trust)  
  
She's leaving town after making us frown  
  
For the last five years (bye, bye)  
  
Later that day a state-wide search for Ms. Li begins  
  
Where could she be? It seems no one can say  
  
What they don't know is she's five states away  
  
And she's heading off for the black jack  
  
Tables in Las Vegas  
  
Lost the school's money and most of her own  
  
Now she is broke and can't ever go home  
  
She (thank God she'll never come back)  
  
is really (we don't want her to come back)  
  
broke (even if it meant that she would be caught)  
  
She's leaving town after bringing us down  
  
For too many years (bye, bye)  
  
She's leaving town, bye, bye  
  
  
  
        Jane: Alrighty then. Daria told me to tell you that she's in the little girl's room but truth be told, her boyfriend just walked in and they're smooching backstage.  
  
        Jane has to duck a boot that comes flying in her direction.  
  
        Jane: Sorry Daria, it just slipped.  
  
        Daria (offstage): So did my boot.  
  
        Jane: And now for this special occasion Jodie Landon's going to sing for us and my brother's going to play guitar.  
  
        Applause breaks out as Jodie takes the stage. She seems a little shy.  
  
        Jodie (shyly): I'm not the greatest singer in the world so I just hope I do well enough. In the wake of September 11th it may seem we've reached our darkest hour. From what I've seen, I couldn't disagree more. I'm a closet Bruce Springsteen fan and I think we will some day look back on these days after the tragedy as our Nation's own Glory Days.  
  
        Trent begins playing "Glory Days"  
  
Jodie (singing):  
  
I had a friend was a big baseball player back in high school  
  
He could throw that speed ball by you  
  
Make you look like a fool boy  
  
Saw him the other night at this roadside bar  
  
I was walking in and he was walking out  
  
We went back inside sat down, had a few drinks  
  
But all he kept talking about was  
  
Jodie and Trent (singing):  
  
Glory Days  
  
Well they'll pass you by  
  
Glory Days  
  
In the wink of a young girl's eye  
  
Glory Days  
  
Glory Days  
  
Jodie (singing):  
  
There's a girl that lives up the block  
  
Back in school she could turn all the boy's heads  
  
Sometimes on a Friday night I'll stop by and have a few drinks  
  
After she put her kids to bed  
  
Her and her husband Bobby well they split up  
  
I guess it's two years gone by now  
  
We just sit around talking about the old times  
  
She says when she feels like crying  
  
She starts laughing thinking about  
  
Jodie and Trent (singing):  
  
Glory Days  
  
Well they'll pass you by  
  
Glory Days  
  
In the wink of a young girl's eye  
  
Glory Days  
  
Glory Days  
  
Jodie (singing):  
  
Think I'm going down to the well tonight  
  
And I'm going to drink till I get my fill  
  
And I hope when I get old  
  
I don't sit around thinking about it but I probably will  
  
Yeah, just sitting back trying to recapture  
  
A little of the glory of,  
  
But time slips away and leaves you with nothing mister  
  
But boring stories of glory days  
  
Jodie and Trent (singing):  
  
Glory Days  
  
Well they'll pass you by  
  
Glory Days  
  
In the wink of a young girl's eye  
  
Glory Days  
  
Glory Days  
  
        As the song wraps up Jodie receives a large round of applause, but she acts like she can't hear it.  
  
        Jodie (to Mack): I just hope I didn't humiliate myself too badly up there.  
  
        Mack: Are you kidding? They loved you up there! Listen to that applause.  
  
        Jodie: Maybe they're applauding because it's over.  
  
        Mack: I'm telling you they loved you. I did too. Of course I would have even if you hadn't sung at all.  
  
        Daria: OK, what do you get when you cross a song about an 1890s circus poster with traumatic memories of an extremely ill-conceived prank? This next song, which in itself will probably give us a few traumatic memories. Hit it boys.  
  
SONG--Being For The Benefit Of Mr. Lane  
  
sung to the tune of "Being For The Benefit Of Mr. Kite"  
  
Max (singing):  
  
For the benefit of Mr. Lane we will fix his window pane  
  
Or he'll break our legs  
  
We tried to wake him out of bed but Jesse threw a rock instead  
  
Of rotten eggs  
  
It was just supposed to be a joke  
  
To vandalize and rob him of some sleep  
  
Now we're scared because he's prepared to file a suit  
  
The really angry Mr. Lane and his little sister Jane  
  
Now hate our guts  
  
We went back to apologize but Jane was mad at all us guys  
  
She kicked our butts  
  
Both Jane and Trent have told us "Beat it!"  
  
"And don't come back until you pay the bill"  
  
It wasn't my rock, yet to my shock, they still made me pay  
  
The window cost us five-o-five, it's Jesse's fault, I'LL KILL THAT GUY  
  
It's all his fault  
  
Except in truth he's rather large and even if he weren't they'd charge  
  
Me with assault  
  
And now, at last, it seems we're welcomed back  
  
Into the lovely home of Jane and Trent  
  
As long as we stay real far away from breakable stuff  
  
  
  
        Daria: OK, we've reached the half-way point, meaning they're halfway out of songs and I'm halfway out of patience. But before we hit our intermission the boys would like to do a tribute to the artistic genius that made the artwork for this event possible, Kemical Reaxion.  
  
        The guys come out in early 60s Beatles attire (in other words, suits).  
  
SONG--Thank You Kem  
  
sung to the tune of "Thank You Girl"  
  
Trent and Jesse (singing):  
  
Ah, ah, mm, you been good to me  
  
This artwork is your best work yet  
  
And eternally I'll always be deep in your debt  
  
And all I gotta do is thank you Kem  
  
Thank you Kem  
  
You could teach the world  
  
A thing or two about art  
  
I know little girl only a fool  
  
Would diss your art  
  
And all I gotta do is thank you Kem  
  
Thank you Kem  
  
Thank you girl for helpn' me the way that you did  
  
(way that you did)  
  
That's the kind of skill that is too good to be true  
  
And all I gotta do is thank you Kem  
  
Thank you Kem  
  
Ah, ah, mm, you been good to me  
  
This artwork is your best work yet  
  
And eternally I'll always be deep in your debt  
  
And all I gotta do is thank you Kem  
  
Thank you Kem  
  
Ah, ah, ah  
  
        The lights come back on.  
  
  
  
        Daria: OK folks, enjoy the intermission. (she holds her gut) Now if you'll excuse me I'll be paying some serious homage to a certain porcelain deity.  
  
        She climbs down.  
  
        Tom: Why Daria, this job isn't making you nervous is it?  
  
        Daria (shaking a little and turning green): No. Not at all.  
  
        Tom: Why you are nervous. This from a girl who bravely faced a navel piercing.  
  
        Daria: Ixne on the avelne. Seriously though, how am I doing?  
  
        Tom: Well you're no Ed Sullivan but I'd have to say you're doing fine. You have real presence on stage. If you were nervous you certainly weren't showing it.  
  
        Daria: I can't believe they suckered me into doing this.  
  
        Tom: Suckered?  
  
        Daria: OK, guilted.  
  
        Tom: I see. So that conscience that you supposedly don't have...  
  
        Daria: Shut up. Gees, still one half to go and some of our acts didn't show up.  
  
        Tom: In that case you might want to consider letting the cheerleaders out of the utility closet.  
  
        Daria and Tom (together): Nah!  
  
        Tom (jokingly): You know, at the rate you're going, maybe I should...  
  
        Daria (interrupts): Perform? Really? Would you?  
  
        Tom: Whoa! Hold the phone there, missy! I didn't say anything about performing! Besides, I really don't know how to do any... OW!  
  
        Daria twists his arm behind his back.  
  
        Daria: You sure you won't reconsider?  
  
        Tom: OW! UNCLE! YOU WIN!  
  
        Daria (sarcastic but smiling): So glad you decided to help, snookums.  
  
        She walks away.  
  
        Daria (over her shoulder): Oh, and Tom, seriously, thank you.  
  
        Tom (to himself): No problem. Rats. Now what on earth am I going to do? Maybe I could do shadow puppets.  
  
        Kevin (jabbing Tom in the ribs): Hey Tom, be sure to make a duckie, OK?  
  
        Tom: Uh...sure.  
  
        Kevin: It's a shame Daria wouldn't let me finish. I still had some killer material left. Like this one: pull my finger!  
  
        Tom (walking away): Daria, call him off!  
  
        Kevin (follows him): Hey come on, pull my finger!  
  
        As intermission ends the lights go back out. Some incense is lit and the smell overwhelms the entire room rather quickly. A red light shines on stage and sitar music begins to play.  
  
SONG--A Good Life sung to the tune of "Within You Without You"  
  
Nick (singing):  
  
We were talking  
  
About mean people we once knew  
  
Names they called us  
  
And all the nasty things they threw  
  
To degrade us  
  
Couldn't bring us down  
  
We got the last laugh  
  
Those poor saps got jobs  
  
We were talking  
  
About the teachers who scared us  
  
And that mean guy  
  
Who flipped in 'Nam and drove our bus  
  
Life ain't easy, life ain't easy  
  
Feel free to fight back  
  
We did it with song  
  
Please have some fun before life's over  
  
Don't you know that things are tough enough  
  
Why have a stroke before you get the chance  
  
To live a good life with very few regrets  
  
We were talking  
  
About that time in frosh phys. ed.  
  
We were climbing  
  
And Max fell onto some guy's head  
  
He was angry, Max was crying  
  
I can still recall  
  
Don't ever be afraid to laugh at yourself  
  
You will save on doctors' bills  
  
In this cosmic dance  
  
Take a second chance  
  
To live a good life with very few regrets  
  
        Daria: Gee...um...thank you Nick for that rather...unique outlook on things.  
  
        Backstage Nick and Max are arguing.  
  
        Max: Don't be afraid to laugh at yourself? Then why were you singing about something bad that happened to me?  
  
        Nick: Things are always funnier when they happen to you. Besides, that guy you landed on is in the audience.  
  
        Max (terrified): He is? Where?  
  
        Daria (whispering to Jane): Is it just me, or was that song terrible?  
  
        Jane (whispering): Yeah, but don't tell Nick. I have to ride home with him and if he hears that he'll be trying to re-tool it the whole time on the ride back.  
  
        Daria (onstage): OK, now for your entertainment, and especially mine, my boyfriend will make a fool of himself. Enjoy.  
  
        Even Daria is surprised when Tom, and O'Neill take the stage dressed as Charlie Chaplin's little tramp character. They do a routine in which each one of them is supposedly on one side of a mirror. The routine is executed perfectly which is impressive, especially when you consider that they obviously had very little if any time to rehearse. Towards the end they both bow to each other and O'Neill's hat falls off. Tom picks it up and hand it to them, they smile and walk off the stage arm in arm twirling their canes.  
  
        Jesse: Wow, that was pretty cool.  
  
        O'Neill: Yes, well, not to brag but my undergrad minor was drama and I did take a lot of classes on film. I'm quite familiar with Chaplin's works and I know that routine by heart.  
  
        Daria: Tom?  
  
        Tom: You knew I liked classic film. Your friend was a closet Springsteen buff, I'm a closet Chaplin and Keaton buff, OK?  
  
        Daria: I just had no idea you were that talented. How did you guys think this up in time?  
  
        O'Neill: Well I had this whole thing ready just in case an act or two failed to show. I had planned to do this with Anthony but...well...  
  
        Jane: Say no more.  
  
        Tom: I figured I owed it to the guy, you know, after knocking him on his butt at the homecoming parade and all.  
  
        O'Neill: Daria! Is that make-up you're wearing?  
  
        Daria turns red and takes the stage.  
  
        O'Neill: Was it something I said?  
  
        Daria: Wow. Well as we continue our show I must say that I can identify with this next song. I know what it's like to have an annoying sister who will not leave the house no matter what I do. I think I even tried mailing her once when we were little. I got grounded when she was returned "Insufficient Postage"  
  
SONG--Penny Lane (no not THAT Penny Lane)  
  
sung to the tune of "Penny Lane" (of course)  
  
Trent (singing):  
  
Penny Lane, she got deported from Honduras now  
  
And to my dismay she is coming home again  
  
Hope she leaves cause I can't sleep till then  
  
Thank you feathered friend!  
  
On her shoulder is a parrot with an attitude  
  
Just yesterday the darn thing pooped upon my shirt  
  
I'd really like to make Chiquito hurt  
  
Shove him in the dirt  
  
He's so curt  
  
Penny Lane is in my home and in my hair  
  
Sadly she ain't going anywhere  
  
And I'm too weak to throw her out  
  
Penny Lane, she turned our house into a nature park  
  
And now some wild critters drove me from my room  
  
Now it's home to a bunch of raccoons  
  
And a mean baboon  
  
    Trumpet music plays.  
  
Penny Lane is in my home and in my hair  
  
So I switched her Rogaine with some Nair  
  
But I'm too weak to throw her out  
  
Penny Lane, she hogs the telephone all day and night  
  
Can't get near the bathroom cause she hogs that too  
  
And now my home's mistaken for a zoo  
  
Smells bad too  
  
Penny Lane it seems will never ever leave my home  
  
But I might if she stays another week  
  
And although inside the van it leaks  
  
Least I'll get some sleep  
  
Though it reeks  
  
Penny Lane is in my home and in my hair  
  
Knows I want her out, but she don't care  
  
I'm gonna kill that bird!  
  
Penny Lane is in my home and in my hair  
  
Why's she gotta be so darn unfair  
  
Penny Lane!  
  
  
  
        Daria: Wow, I would say that your sister and mine should go bowling sometime except I doubt Quinn's ever even heard of Honduras. And now, even though I'd rather face a firing squad, due to a shortage of acts I will be reading you one of my short stories.  
  
        Jocks: Boo!  
  
        O'Neill: Yay!  
  
        Daria: It's that one I read to you guys at the cyber cafe.  
  
        Utter silence.  
  
        Daria (sighs): The one with that commie-killing chick.  
  
        Jocks: Yay!  
  
        O'Neill: Commie-killing chick?  
  
        Daria: Wow, these guys are so simple to please. Much like Pavlovian dogs, these jocks.  
  
        Jane: Nah. Pavlov's dogs were paper-trained.  
  
        She reads the story that she read in Cafe Disaffecto. When she is done the jocks carry her off on their shoulders.  
  
        Daria: Woah, hey! Easy on the merchandise. You break it, you buy it!  
  
        Jocks (chanting): USA! USA! USA!  
  
        Tom (laughing): Hey!  
  
        Daria: Take a number, hot stuff.  
  
        Jane: Wow, I'd say you got over your stage fright, Daria. Not to mention your fear of cooties.  
  
        Another boot flies at her and she ducks again.  
  
        Jane: OK, I deserved that for sure. Anyway, this next song is my personal favorite of the evening and I hope you will like it as much as I did.  
  
SONG--When I'm Twenty-Four  
  
sung to the tune of "When I'm Sixty-Four"  
  
Jesse (singing):  
  
When I get older, hearing impaired  
  
One more year from now  
  
Will they still be crowding to see Spiral play  
  
Lines ten blocks long every day  
  
Will I be rocking 'till quarter to three  
  
Or working in a store  
  
Will I be rocking  
  
Or will I be stocking  
  
When I'm 24  
  
Don't know what I'll do  
  
If the fans still want me  
  
I still want them too  
  
I could be angry, blowing a fuse  
  
If the fans were gone  
  
We will make a hit before we turn 35  
  
If not we will drink cyanide  
  
Wrecking our hearing as well as young minds  
  
There's a lovely chore  
  
Will I be rocking  
  
Or will I be stoking  
  
When I'm 24  
  
Every weekend we will play our hearts out  
  
At the good old Zon club  
  
For the next ten years  
  
It's darker than a cave  
  
But they'll remember us  
  
Because we rarely bathe  
  
Send me a vision, show me a sign  
  
Tell me what to do  
  
Is it true that rock and roll is here to stay  
  
Yes/No? How long? What will it pay?  
  
Will we hit big time like Beatles or Queen  
  
Or working in that store  
  
Will I be rocking  
  
Or will I be stoking  
  
When I'm 24  
  
  
  
        Daria: I must admit, I got a kick out of that one too. Except I can't kick back because my lousy boots are missing. Come on, who's got my boots?  
  
        No one replies.  
  
        Daria: OK, but I must warn you, I've got a contagious foot condition that you wouldn't wish on Ms. Li. And now an amusing skit from the members of the football team. The amusing part should be seeing if they get their lines straight.  
  
        Jeffy jumps up and throws a bunch of punches in midair.  
  
        Jeffy: Boxing, America.  
  
        Joey runs up and knocks him out with a kung fu move.  
  
        Joey: Kung fu, China.  
  
        Jamie runs up and knocks him out with a karate move.  
  
        Jamie: Karate, Japan.  
  
        Robert runs up and knocks him out with a long object in his hand.  
  
        Robert: Crowbar, Sears.  
  
        The audience gets a kick out of that one  
  
        Daria: Thank you Jeffy, Joey, Jamie and Robert.  
  
        Robert (thinking he's supposed to reply): You're welcome Darcy.  
  
        Jamie: She got my name right. Holy cow, some one got my name right.  
  
        Daria: If you think you're the only ones who ever found life at Lawndale High to be an annoying waste of time, well then you don't get out much. Hit it boys.  
  
SONG--Lawndale High Forever  
  
sung to the tune of "Strawberry Fields Forever"  
  
Trent (singing):  
  
Let me take you back, when we were going to  
  
Lawndale High  
  
Don't even try  
  
There's nothing much to learn about  
  
Lawndale High Forever  
  
Learning ain't easy with eyes closed  
  
I slept through class for all four years  
  
And yet some way, some how I passed  
  
But I'm still dumb  
  
Now I can't get me a career  
  
Let me take you back, when we were going to  
  
Lawndale High  
  
Don't even try  
  
There's nothing much to learn about  
  
Lawndale High Forever  
  
No one I think is in my class  
  
And Ms. Li took my radio  
  
And now I can't, you know, tune in  
  
But it's all right  
  
I got two more and she don't know  
  
Let me take you back, when we were going to  
  
Lawndale High  
  
Don't even try  
  
There's nothing much to learn about  
  
Lawndale High Forever  
  
I was getting chased by aliens  
  
But I guess that it was all a dream  
  
He calls on me, I say "Uh, yes?"  
  
But I was all wrong  
  
Now DeMartino's really steamed  
  
Let me take you back, when we were going to  
  
Lawndale High  
  
Don't even try  
  
There's nothing much to learn about  
  
Lawndale High Forever  
  
Lawndale High Forever  
  
Lawndale High Forever  
  
  
  
        Daria: OK, I think it's fairly obvious that me and Jane had a hand in getting Trent to write that last song. With the possible exception of Nick, high school's not the kind of thing these guys would dwell on a lot.  
  
        Jesse: We went to Lawndale High?  
  
        Nick: Sure. You remember, don't you? Big building, lots of kids, bells to wake you up every 45 minutes...  
  
        Jesse: Um...  
  
        Trent: Actually he probably wouldn't. Half the time we cut class and the other half of the time we were asleep.  
  
        Max: Yeah. Hey wasn't Jesse voted most likely to succeed?  
  
        Daria: Since that last skit got us in a martial arts sort of mindset, it seems appropriate that at this point we introduce our next performer, Mrs. Janet Barch who will be demonstrating self defense for all of us.  
  
        Barch: I'll need a volunteer from the audience.  
  
        Kevin: Me! Me! Oh come on Mrs. Barch, pick me!  
  
        Mack: Uh Kevin, you really might want to reconsider volunteering this time.  
  
        Kevin: Aw come on Mack Daddy, what could possibly go wrong?  
  
        Mack: For starters if you call me Mack Daddy again you could get your neck broken.  
  
        Kevin: Hey chill out bro! I'm just being friendly bro! Bro? Bro!  
  
        Mack: You know on second thought maybe you should volunteer.  
  
        Kevin: Glad you see it my way bro.  
  
        He heads up to the stage.  
  
        Jodie: You know if she kills him it'll be on your conscience.  
  
        Mack: I can live with that.  
  
        Barch: Oh good, we have a victim, er, volunteer. Just put on that padded outfit over there Kevin.  
  
        Kevin: Yeah, right. And look like a dork in front of the guys? I don't think so.  
  
        Various Jocks: Yeah! All right! You the man Kevin!  
  
        O'Neill: Kevin, I really think you should...  
  
        Barch: Quiet skinny! If the boy doesn't want any padding, he doesn't have to wear any padding.  
  
        DeMartino: Yeah! Quiet skinny! Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy!  
  
        O'Neill: Janet, try not to kill him.  
  
        Barch: I make no promises.  
  
        Kevin makes a mocking martial arts-type stance  
  
        Kevin: Come on, I know Karate. And a few other oriental words.  
  
        Chuckles of approval from the jocks.  
  
        Barch takes this as an invitation and pops his arms up and nails him in the gut.  
  
        Barch: Ladies, that's what you do if some man tries to choke you.  
  
        She then throws him over her shoulder.  
  
        Barch: And that's what you do if he tries to attack you from behind.  
  
        As Kevin lies helpless on the ground she continues to beat on him.  
  
        Barch: And that's what you do when he pretends to be the guy of your dreams and then runs out like the slime that he is after you sacrifice twenty years of your womanhood just to slave over some stupid lousy rotten.....take that... and that...and that...and a couple of these... Any questions?  
  
        Kevin raises his hand weakly.  
  
        Barch: What is it Kevin?  
  
        Kevin: I think we'll have to do that again. I wasn't paying attention.  
  
        Daria: I'm sorry but I have to put an end to this. This club's not insured.  
  
        Barch: I hope you were paying attention to this, Daria.  
  
        Daria: Oh, I was. And the second my man steps out of line...  
  
        Tom (interrupts): I move to Mexico, change my name to Don Carlos, and take up bull fighting, which I'm sure would be much safer.  
  
        Quinn: Those poor cows!  
  
        Daria: OK, well, time for some more music. Oh Don Carlos! Donde estas?  
  
SONG--Timid Stacy  
  
sung to the tune of Lovely Rita  
  
Jesse (singing):  
  
Timid Stacy, so afraid  
  
Timid Stacy, so afraid  
  
Timid Stacy, so afraid  
  
Why let yourself be bullied?  
  
Why not fight back and kick somebody's butt?  
  
On a morning gray and hazy  
  
Well I caught a glimpse of Stacy  
  
Taking some abuse from the whole Fashion Club  
  
Seemed to me they were mad at her  
  
Because she picked the wrong-type sweater  
  
Though I didn't know her I got really hacked-off  
  
Timid Stacy, so afraid  
  
Though we are perfect strangers  
  
How would you like to join our show tonight?  
  
Stacy!  
  
She said to me "As a matter of fact  
  
Me and my friend do an escape act  
  
And we'd both be honored to perform at the show"  
  
Seemed her friends got awful jealous  
  
Then their leader got quite zealous  
  
Said she and friends all wanted in on this too  
  
Oh, braver Stacy, not afraid  
  
Thank you for volunteering  
  
Go do your thing and make us proud of you  
  
Braver Stacy, not afraid  
  
Braver Stacy, not afraid  
  
Braver Stacy, not afraid  
  
Braver Stacy, not afraid  
  
  
  
        The band heads backstage.  
  
        Daria: So that's why the fashion club wound up here!  
  
        Trent: Yeah. All Jesse's dumb idea and we just couldn't stop him. (whispers) He's got a big heart but he's also got a brain the size of a walnut.  
  
        Max: Yeah. Then he had to open his big mouth and mention that the whole thing was a September 11th benefit. The leader decided she could get good publicity this way.  
  
        Trent: Dude, you didn't have to be so rude to her.  
  
        Max: I wasn't rude.  
  
        Trent: You told her that you'd seen walruses with less of a mustache than her and then told her that Jane Fonda would become a born- again Christian before she and her friends would ever share the stage with you.  
  
        Tom: Jane Fonda did become a born-again Christian.  
  
        Trent: I rest my case.  
  
        Nick: They started beating on him. We couldn't stand to see Max in pain so we gave in.  
  
        Max: Couldn't stand to see me in pain? You guys stood around and did nothing.  
  
        Nick: That's not true. We laughed at you, didn't we?  
  
        Jesse (chuckling): Hey, I'm still laughing now just a little.  
  
        Trent: So who's on stage now?  
  
        Jane: A couple jocks in chicken suits wrestling each other to the ground.  
  
        Nick: Cool. I don't know about you guys but a nice cock fight sure gets me in the mood to rock.  
  
  
  
        Trent (aside to Daria): Seriously though, don't be too mad at Jesse. He thought it was a good idea. He kind of reminds me of Oliver Hardy in action sometimes.  
  
        Daria: An idiot who thinks he's a genius?  
  
        Trent: Yeah, he's such a nice guy. It's a shame because he really wants to make it big worse than any of us.  
  
        Daria: Maybe he will. You never know. After all, didn't Oliver Hardy make it to the cover of Sgt. Pepper?  
  
        Trent (smiles): Maybe you're right. Hey, since when did you become an optimist?  
  
        The fight finishes and Daria takes the stage.  
  
        Daria: Well folks, we're getting towards the end of our show. By the way, if my boots aren't returned by the end of the evening I start singing show tunes. And trust me, you do not want to hear my rendition of "Some Enchanted Evening".  
  
        Quinn: She's not kidding. I've actually heard it. Give her boots back.  
  
        Daria: And now once again, Mystik Spiral.  
  
SONG--Keep Snoring, Keep Snoring  
  
sung to the tune of "Good Morning, Good Morning"  
  
Trent (singing):  
  
Keep snoring, keep snoring  
  
Keep snoring, keep snoring  
  
keep snoring  
  
Nothing to do but stay in bed  
  
Rest my head long  
  
Nothing to say but what a day  
  
Writing rock songs  
  
Nothing to do but sleep till two  
  
I've got nothing to say but "Hit the hay"  
  
Keep snoring, keep snoring  
  
keep snoring  
  
I just can't exert, mine head doth hurt  
  
Feeling so dead  
  
Don't make a peep, I'm counting sheep  
  
Inside my head  
  
Down goes the sun up comes the moon  
  
There's total darkness in my room  
  
I never dream at night but then  
  
My sleep's too deep for REM  
  
Still comatose though day's begun  
  
Now it gets bright  
  
Sun has come up but I don't care  
  
Close my blinds tight  
  
Narcolepsy don't bother me  
  
I've got nothing to say but go away  
  
Keep snoring, keep snoring  
  
Keep snoring  
  
People running round to get to jobs  
  
Getting stuck in huge rush hour mobs  
  
Working 9 to 5 until they die  
  
But I guess I'm not that kind of that kind of guy  
  
Finally it's noon and I get up  
  
Feeling so tired  
  
Brew up some Joe, I'm good to go  
  
Now I'm so wired  
  
Hop in the van, rock all you can  
  
I've got nowhere to go except rock shows  
  
Keep snoring, keep snoring  
  
Keep snoring, keep snoring  
  
  
  
        Daria: Keep snoring; right about now that's sounding mighty good to me. And now for the last act of the evening, Stacy and Upchuck.  
  
        Having been impressed by this act before, the crowd goes wild.  
  
        Upchuck: Thank you very much ladies and gentlemen, but especially ladies. Rrrrrrrroooowww!  
  
        He has to duck as a boot flies over his head.  
  
        Upchuck: Daria, you were looking for this?  
  
        Daria: Thanks. Now say something else stupid and maybe the other one will turn up.  
  
        Upchuck: All in good time my pet. I've got a show to do. Now Stacy my sweet, will you be so kind as to cuff my hands behind my back?  
  
        Stacy: Sure. Like this?  
  
        Upchuck: Perfect. Now you will note that as I am sealed in this tight metal box that it is going to be wrapped with not one, not two, but three layers of solid steel chains.  
  
        DeMartino: Just a moment. I saw this trick last time. There has got to be some trapped door it here or something.  
  
        Upchuck: We have an unbeliever among us do we? Well feel free to inspect this container all you wish.  
  
        Daria: Translation, DeMartino's in on it this time.  
  
        Jane: Bingo. This should get interesting.  
  
        The case is inspected. The handcuffed Upchuck is then placed inside a burlap sack which is then placed inside the container which is then locked and wrapped with three chains. A screen is placed in front of the container.  
  
        Daria: You know, they did a lousy job concealing this.  
  
        Jane: Um, Daria?  
  
        Daria: I mean anyone backstage can see behind that screen.  
  
        Jane: Daria?  
  
        Daria: And what's to stop them from blabbing it to everyone? Upchuck and Stacy are being way too trusting of us.  
  
        Jane: Daria!  
  
        Daria: What?  
  
        Jane points down and they notice an identical container to the one on stage with the words "Property of Charles Ruttheimer" inscribed on the side.  
  
        Max: Hey wait a second, that little pip-squeak just locked himself up in the box I pack my drum set in.  
  
        Jane: And I don't suppose there would be a trap door in your drum set case, would there?  
  
        Max: No. Doggone it, that case is a collector's item. It belonged to Van Halen.  
  
        Jane gives him an odd look.  
  
        Max: OK, a Van Halen cover band. The point is, anything happens to that case and I'll kill that little runt!  
  
        Daria: He may very well suffocate before you get the chance.  
  
        Max: For his sake, let's hope so.  
  
        Jane and Daria call out to Stacy. At first she ignores them but finally she turns and looks. As soon as it dawns on her the mistake she's made she faints dead away. Of course at first everyone in the crowd thinks it's an act. Daria and Jane go out to check on Stacy which attracts the attention of DeMartino.  
  
        DeMartino: What are you two DOING out here? You're going to wreck the act.  
  
        Jane: Upchuck already wrecked it for himself.  
  
        DeMartino: What ARE you babbling about Miss Lane?  
  
        Daria: Upchuck wheeled out the wrong case by mistake. The case with the trap door is backstage.  
  
        DeMartino: WHAT?  
  
        Muffled cries can be heard from inside the case.  
  
        Barch: I knew it. I knew that sorry excuse for a man couldn't possibly pull that trick off twice.  
  
        Quinn: Hey Daria, what's wrong?  
  
        Daria: Upchuck wheeled out the wrong case.  
  
        Quinn: Yeah right. Are you in on this too?  
  
        Daria: Take a good look, Quinn. Since when does Charles Ruttheimer mark his stuff with the name Max Tyler?  
  
        People in the audience have overheard their conversation and rumors begin to spread. There is mixed reaction among the audience. Some seem sure that when the container is opened it will be empty. Others are just as certain that Upchuck's demise is a foregone conclusion. DeMartino brings in a lock cutter and proceeds to cut the locks.  
  
        Quinn: Wow, maybe Upchuck's had it this time. That's awful. In principle.  
  
        Sandy: No way. They're going to open that case and it'll be empty. I won't be fooled twice.  
  
        They do in fact open the case which is not empty. The sack is pulled out and it seems there is no movement from inside. Shock spreads around the room. Sandy is flabbergasted. Even more shocking is when the sack is opened and a very much alive Stacy emerges.  
  
        Upchuck (from the back of the club): Huzzah!  
  
        He climbs up on stage where he and Stacy take a bow and accept a generous amount of applause.  
  
        Quinn: Won't be fooled twice, huh?  
  
        Upchuck: Oh, and Daria? I believe this is yours.  
  
        He holds up his foot. He is wearing Daria's other boot.  
  
        Jane: You sure you want to wear that? It did come into physical contact with Charles Ruttheimer, you know.  
  
        Daria: Yeah, but so what? Maybe we ought to lay off on Upchuck for a while. He sort of proved himself tonight didn't he?  
  
        Jane: Yeah maybe you're right.  
  
        At that point Upchuck purrs at the both of them as he exits the stage.  
  
        Daria and Jane (together): Nah!  
  
        Eventually things calm down a little and Daria takes the stage for the last time.  
  
        Daria: Well, we hope you all had a great evening. I never thought I'd admit this publicly but I know I did.  
  
        Daria and Jane (singing): Now it's time to say good-bye to all our company...M-I-C...  
  
        Daria: See you in school Monday.  
  
        Daria and Jane (singing): ...K-E-Y  
  
        Jane: Why? Because we have to.  
  
        Daria and Jane (singing): M-O-U-S-E  
  
        Daria: Take it away boys.  
  
SONG--Mystik Spiral's Lonely Lawndale Band (Reprise)  
  
sung to the tune of Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Heart's Club Band (Reprise)  
  
Trent, Jesse and Nick (singing):  
  
We're Mystik Spiral's Lonely Lawndale Band  
  
We hope you all had lots of fun  
  
We're Mystik Spiral's Lonely Lawndale Band  
  
We're sorry but we've got to run  
  
Mystik Spiral's Lonely, Mystik Spiral's Lonely  
  
Mystik Spiral's Lonely, Mystik Spiral's Lonely  
  
Mystik Spiral's Lonely Lawndale Band  
  
Good bye, so long, adieu, farewell  
  
Mystik Spiral's one and only Lonely Lawndale Band  
  
You guys have all been really swell  
  
Mystik Spiral's Lonely, Mystik Spiral's Lonely  
  
Mystik Spiral's Lonely  
  
Laaaaaaaaaaawndaaaaaaaaaaale Baaaaaaaaaand  
  
  
  
        The audience applauds wildly, but as they do, the music and the mood in the room change very quickly and the change can be felt. Every light in the room is turned off and with the exception of two small spotlights, one on Trent's face, the other on Jesse's, there is total darkness.  
  
SONG--A Day In Our Lives  
  
sung to the tune of "A Day In The Life"  
  
Trent (singing):  
  
I saw the news today, oh boy  
  
Four hijacked planes turned our world upside down  
  
This news was more than rather sad  
  
And so I nearly cried, oh  
  
So many good folks died, oh  
  
Things got so bad so fast that day  
  
I truly thought that the whole world might end  
  
And though I felt so very scared  
  
Heroes were being born  
  
I never would have guessed how much bravery would emerge that morn  
  
I watched the news all day, oh boy  
  
Strangers survived and died the best of friends  
  
If only I had that much heart  
  
But then I felt so small  
  
Not a man at all  
  
This violence turns me off  
  
    Orchestra revs up.  
  
Jesse (singing):  
  
Woke up, turned on my set  
  
And I quickly got upset  
  
First I thought it was an accident  
  
But not for long, the world had gone quite mad  
  
Saw New York and then DC  
  
Threw a can at my TV  
  
Found my way upstairs and pinched myself  
  
And to my horror found that it was not a dream  
  
Trent (singing):  
  
Aaahhh!  
  
Aaahhh!  
  
Aaahhh!  
  
Aaahhh!  
  
Aaahhh!  
  
Aaahhh!  
  
Aaahhh!  
  
I watched the news that day, oh boy  
  
And though my life soon returned to routine  
  
I know I'll never be the same  
  
We all still bear the pain  
  
I know we're all enraged but let's be careful where we lay the blame  
  
This violence turns me off  
  
  
  
        The two spotlights go out leaving the club in total darkness.  
  
        Orchestra revs up.  
  
        As they hit the final notes which echo, all of the lights come back on revealing the band holding an American flag and standing together firmly as if challenging the whole world to bring it on. The look of bravery in Max's eyes seems sincere for once.  
  
        In true Sgt. Pepper fashion, as soon as the echo fades, Trent blows on a dog whistle, and, as predicted, Kevin grabs his ears in pain.  
  
        The club empties as people file out into the street. The mood is mixed among them. Some are laughing and smiling. Others are more solemn. One girl is sobbing and being comforted by her friends. Her father was killed when Tower #1 collapsed. At the back exit of the club, the band as well as Jane pile into the Tank.  
  
        Jane: Hey Daria, need a ride?  
  
        Daria: Nah, believe it or not after all that, me and Tom have a date scheduled. Now if you will excuse me for one moment, there's some pride along with a side of crow I need to swallow.  
  
        Jane: Huh?  
  
        Daria: Jesse, wait up!  
  
        Jesse: Oh, hey. Look, sorry about...  
  
        Daria (interrupts): Don't be. I should have kept my mouth shut for once. The crowd didn't seem to mind that fashion show and Stacy and Upchuck were a smash. What I'm trying to say is that, well...you did really good tonight.  
  
        Jesse: Cool. Thanks. Hey you weren't so bad yourself.  
  
        Jesse climbs in the van. Trent gives Daria an approving smile.  
  
        Trent: Thanks he needed that. And thanks for everything else you did tonight. Well, I'll see you.  
  
        He gives her a peck on the cheek.  
  
        Daria (grinning): Not if I see you first.  
  
        The Tank takes off and Daria watches it until it disappears around a corner. She sighs as she heads towards Tom's car. Just then a plane flies overhead and Daria gives a little shudder as she watches it fly past. She gets into the car and Tom takes off.  
  
        Across town, Jane and the band are dinning at The Pizza Place. Jane seems troubled about something.  
  
        Trent: Yo, Janey, something wrong?  
  
        Jane: I keep thinking we forgot something.  
  
        Back at the Zon club all is dark and quiet. Except of course for the muffled cries of cheerleaders coming from the janitor's closet.  
  
        The End  
  
  
  
Author's Notes: First and foremost, don't get the wrong idea from "A Day In Our Lives". I stand with Bill Maher in saying Give War A Chance. I remember a man by the name of Neville Chamberlain who seemed to think Hitler could be stopped without war. Needless to say that didn't work out. The fact is that this war is not Vietnam. This war is necessary and is completely morally justified. When Trent sang, "I know we're all enraged but let's be careful where we lay the blame" I was protesting incidents of violence against Muslims or those who appear to be Muslim that have occurred in this country. Even if someone was walking down the street chanting "Crush the American pigs!" no one would have a right to commit violence against this person unless he became violent. I also want to oppose some of the legal measures that are being taken. When Trent sang "This violence turns me off" I was talking about the violence of the Taliban, the terrorism used against us, the oppressive and violent reign of the Taliban in Afghanistan, and the atrocities they have committed against Muslim women.  
  
Secondly, I doubt what I've done will receive much praise from anyone and I get a nasty feeling about what Cincgreen will have to say about it. However for me this is my opus. I worked hard on this and really poured out my creative juices.  
  
I only wish that I had the creativity and talent to make a fic worthy of Sgt. Pepper.  
  
For those of you who have seen the picture that goes along with this fic, that was Kemical Reaxion's opus. We both designed it but she was the one who worked so hard for months on that thing, getting hassled by me the whole time about when it would be done. If you can't say something nice about this fic, well then I understand. But please at least drop Kem a line and tell her that her picture is great.  
  
Disclaimer: Like I've said before, I make zero profit from this, please don't sue me, can't squeeze blood from a turnip, yadda, yadda, yadda. None of the original songs, those that were and were not parodied, were mine. All the Beatles songs were by John Lennon and Paul McCartney except "Only A Northern Song" and "Within You Without You" by George Harrison (God rest his soul).  
  
"We ice skate"  
  
- George Harrison (after being asked what the band did while cooped up in hotel rooms) ;-)  
  
© 2002 Joseph Kerner  
  
jak981125@yahoo.com 


End file.
